Absolutly and totally should be typing up a note for this business class I'm painfully sitting in right now. I would've liked a break today, that's all. My schedule and jam-packed today. This new Machine Running thing after school then straight from that to Madoc. In Madoc I'll have the pleasure of sitting through a meeting about CKOL and whatever the fuck is going on there now. I can say with almost %100 certainty that nothing much will come of it all, nothing groundbreaking at least. Nothing interesting, they're the same type of people that are already at the one in town. They tell the same jokes, have the same opinions, and enjoy the same past-times (aka jambourees). So fuck, I might be getting the boot from there. Which pisses me off because I've been there for two years with a deadly amount of dedication, I leave for two monthes and then it just doesn't count for anything anymore? What is that? It might not be like that though, I'm jumping to conclusions. It just seemed that way when I talked to Dave on the phone the other week. I'm just sick of our work being underappreciated.

I'm putting that outta my mind for a bit, untill I know for sure what's going on with it. It might be nice to leave it be anyway. I've started working with a hilarious community-theatre group called Soul Carnival. It's gonna be great, I'm working on the sound board and in the winter I'll be part of the group of people creating a prodution from scratch. Hopefully I'll be on the sound board then aswell. Mara Brown is in charge of it, my older sisters best friend, so it's nice to have a familiar face running the show. She came to the high school last week to recruit a fleet of teenagers as back-up dancers, ect. She gave me a hug and inhaled how smokey I smelled, dissapprovingly. Yikes, y'a know. This town is like that though.

Went to the city this weekend. Saturday morning, shopped for an embarassing seven hours, found an elliott smith t-shirt, ate some awesome Indian food (except the meat made me feel like I was going to throw up), split a bottle of red wine, went to a gigantic party. Party got busted, understandable considering there were over 300 drunk teenagers on a well-to-do downtown Toronto block. Smoked a PJ, met a young smart-ass magician on the street, went to sleep at three am. Woke up, ate breakfeast in line for "Rain Dogs", loved the movie. Shopped for another absurd amount of time, ate lunch at a fancy English pub with Victoria and her fancy lawyer father. Went to see "How to Build a Broken Mousetrap", director was there, fell in love with his mind, and his films.
Went home.

I'm at home, Campbellford is still a shit-hole.

Jillian

So I'm here at Bangor Lodge. I've been here for exactly...uhmm, far too long for my liking. I hate my job too much. I like meeting the people whom I clean for but that's just not enough, I guess. I mean, I fucking clean rooms. I'm a maid for-christs-sake. It would drive you to the booze as well, I can pretty much guarantee that. It's been a seriously long time since my last post, going on two monthes now. July dragged on as the dog days of summer often do, and August is flying by. To me, August is when the year really starts. Everything seems so clear, so okay in August. Well, this August at least. My work is becoming more automatic then before (the first couple sentences were an attempted post from some three weeks ago). Although it's not a career I'd choose to do again. I wish it was just like the movie Bottle Rocket. I always wish my life was like some odd-ball movie though, what's new with that?

I'm lonesome as shit up here, but I have my own mind to retreat into. It's read a couple books, finished The Manticore, finally, and you know...I know Ashley I know, I kinda loved it by the end. I would consider reading it again. Right now I'm in a panic to read all these books that I'm supposed to have already read. 75% through Catcher in the Rye right now, love that as well. Holdand's (spelling? I donno) disconcern for the furture and need to experiance the entire world at once is something I can relate to. You know, smart kid but stupid choices. Yeah, I got that covered. Speaking of which, school begins soon. Maybe it's time I stop being so stupid and start using my mind. My mind has been slacking for ages. I've been putting all my mental energy into areas of my life which are totally unimportant right now. Grade 12...time to stop being such a dumb-ass. I also read Katherine's copy of A Woman Destroyed, which I loved as well. Is there any book I don't like? Geez. Anyway, the way I felt about that book is faded now from the original effect so I won't waste my time trying to explain. It's too watered down with time. I bought another of Simon de Beauvoir's books in town the other day. I forget the name, I read the first chapter in a coffee shop next to the used book store I bought it at, The Owl's Pen. The first chapter was wonderful, but I didn't want to get into the book yet as finishing The Catcher would be at risk. I'm happy I haven't been completely illiterate this summer. Lord knows I wasn't to literate this winter or spring. I missed reading. I love those damn caracters so much.

I only have two weeks left up here. I'm used to it now, I'll miss being away from my rents. I love them very much, but they always care so much. It can get a little too much at times. It's wonderful to just have to take care of myself a little. I can just be, and that's enough. At home I'm always having to prove something it seems. I'm sure that's all in my mind though. It's really not all that bad. In a couple hours I'm going to a kegger at my new friends house, Kasandra Cutting. She's wonderful, very full of life, always up for a good time, and someone who honestly sees the glass half full all the time. I don't think I've ever seen her down so more then twenty mintues. So awesome. I really enjoy her company and also the other girl that lives in town. Sarah is her name. She drives this sweet old white pickup and is wonderful is a completley opposite way from Kasandra. Very mild mannered but really...at ease. Anyway, those are the couple people I will miss very much. My room mates are great as well, but not as great as those two girls. I'm surprised that I've gotten used to being around girls as much as I have been. The constant girl chats are starting to become nothing more then white noise to me. Doesn't even phase me anymore.

I've been killing afternoons lately by going into town and exploring Bracebridge. It's nice to only have to worry about yourself. I mean, I can go into and leave town whenever I want, I can follow whichever whim comes into my head, monetary concerns aren't an issue with this job and all. It's just nice, and I feel so much better when I return. This is the kinda place where people question where you've been and who you went with the second you walk onto the property. I've told people to fuck off before for asking me so many goddamn questions. I don't regret it either.

Gotta split,
Jillian

holy shit...my computer is going to cost urhm, $600-1000 to fix. which is making alot of people mad but is just making me sad because all i wanted to do was set up my new iPod. what a wet blanket! So my parents are paying for that and I feel pretty terrible. I mean I really didn't mean to cause this much trouble.

Anyway, what a downer!

JILLIAN

Spent all day today selling ice cream at Westben. So of course, now that I'm finally home I just ate an amazing bowl of ice cream. The concert was kids playing some sweet violin music. They were pretty amazing. The lady who was speaking did an interesting presentation throughout the show on a program they are doing in Africa. Teaching kids how to play the violin over there I guess. Her name is Sue Hammond I think. I remember when I was pretty young I used to listen to one of her tapes over and over again. I think it was Mozart maybe. Along with a story about an ice princess or something. Similar to that character from The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. Anyway, I unwittingly met her today. Which was cool in retrospect. I filled her water bottle for her. :) She drinks water.

Anyway, I got that XP program from Jesse a couple days agao and the stupid mother fucking thing has almost completly screwed up my computer and iTunes won't transfer all my files and my soundcard doesn't have the right device or something so thats completly fucked and...gah, I don't even want to think about it anymore. It's killing me. I'm calling in our computer guy on Monday, because I need music for the summer. Need it. Bad.

I'm kinda bored, and really hot, and Tom isn't home from his Dad's, and Katherine's at work and for some reason I'd be wierd to call Alison (I donno either, it's depressing). Final verdict. I should be studying, but, uhm, that's really not going to happen. So i'm probably gonna play Tetris or read.

JILLIAN

Feeling a little bit better today...of course.
Last night I didn't do much of anything, Tom made me feel better, but I don't think he knows he did. I would like to believe that I'm usually thought of as being composed and pretty steady when it comes to silly things like emotions or whatever you want to call it. So when I let that front down, well, I pretty much immediately regret it. Maybe if I wasn't constantly keeping it all "together", instead of just saying whats on my mind, it wouldn't blow up like it does every once and awhile. Oh self-analysis. What fun!

Mother went out for dinner last night with her friends, brought me home some amazing Indian food (yum). Pa was driving a big ol' bus to Montreal and back. The house was real silent all night, and I really don't remember what I did to fill all that time. Procrastination makes time speed up I guess.

Fifteen minutes and I will start my knock-down-drag-out war with these essays. I'll finish my English one, considering I'm under a signed contract, then move onto my History one if I feel up to it.

Bought a pretty sweet iPod. Used, last years model, a heavy little guy. Colour, pictures, 20GB, and half price! Although I really need that stupid XP thing. Which by the way, I think is stupid. The iPod costs a small fortune, but the program costs just as much! I live in the sticks and my family doesn't even know what XP is let alone have it.
Tom and I decided to name him Donovan. Sunshine Superman guy ya' know. I think it's quite fitting.

I've procrastinated enough now. It's about time I got these essay outta the way.

JILLIAN

ps I noticed that I work much better in a darker room then a light one. I'm set for London livin' maybe?

When I get a bunch of CD's at once I take an immediate liking to a couple of them and really am not drawn to one of them. The other time I can think of this happening is something like three years ago when I bought Hot Hot Heat- Make Up the Breakdown, The Raveonettes- Chain Gang of Love, and Elliott Smith- Figure 8. I loved the first two and was kinda "meh" on the Smith one. Soon I became pretty obsessed with Figure 8 and Smith's career (anyone who knows me, or knew me then, knows that I bought his book and had a shrine for a long time)Three years later I still love Figure 8 and I really couldn't care less about the other two.

I love You in Reverse sooooo much. It might be my new Figure 8, but I donno. No promises yet.

Last week's...June 1st

Gatekeeper- Feist
The Simple Story- Feist, Jane Birkin
Mushaboom- Feist, Mocky Remix
Almost Kills (Radio Remix)- Broken Social Scene
One Evening- Feist, VV Remix
Major Label Debut- Broken Social Scene

Steady, As She Goes- The Raconteurs
Wasting My Time- The White Stripes
Portland, Oregon- Loretta Lynn ft. Jack White
Walking With a Ghost- Tegan and Sara
Level- The Raconteurs
Freedom Hangs Like Heaven- Iron and Wine

I'll let the reasons and connections between those songs explain themselves because my day was shit. I tried, I really did, to change my perspective. I mean that IS what everyone says it's all about, perspective that is. I just couldn't. Probably the weather or whatever. Who cares, everything's going to hell anyway. Woody took me aside and gave me a nice pep talk about how I'm bright and for some reason I need to be told that because I'm overly critical of myself...something along those lines. I suppose it's nice to hear that, but I really don't think he knows what he's talking about. He might be under the impression that I have potential but I think it's just because my brother and sister were smart kids. Even if it's all lies, I appreciate that he tried. If only I could just be "bright" and not have to prove it. Or I'd even be okay with it if people were just like "oh it's okay Jill, I mean you may not be the brightest girl but you're not really ugly so you can marry into money". Not really, that comment would rile we right up on a regular day. Today I'm just ready to lie down and accept whatever's handed to me.

Request Show

Blackheart- Cuff the Duke
St. James Infirmary- Leadbelly
Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen
Six Days- DJ Shadow
Sleeveless in Vancouver- Justin Rutledge
The Trouble With Love Is- Kelly Clarkson *
It Ain't the Meat, It's the Motion- Maria Muldour
Slow Burning Fire- The Skydiggers
Feel You Closer- The Skydiggers
KC Accidental- Broken Social Scene
How Will I Know You- Mocky
Down Drinking at the Bar- Loudon Wainwright
Lies- The Swamp Band
Rock and Roll Is My Guitar- Danger Cat

*please let the record show that this was a request show, and under any other circumstances we would not encourage Kelly Clarkson's musical career.

I really am attempting to make myself feel better. I made myself a pot of coffee and I plan to take the longest bath around. I guess I just had a really bad day and thought maybe some of my friends would be around to make me feel a little less lonely, but really when it gets right down it to I shouldn't be depending on other people to make me feel better. That's an idea I should get through my head.

Fuck it.
I got angst to boot right now. Whatever that means...

JILLIAN

I think I have almost completely royally fucked up the whole academic aspect of my high school English class. I don't know how to write an essay, I don't have any deep thoughts on The Great Gatsby because I didn't read it all, and I really, really don't want to do any work. Drama, drama, but when it boils right down to it, pure lazy.

In other, more important, news...
I opened my locker today and found the best surprise in the whole, entire world. A package from the best boyfiend around (conveniently also mine) with five new CDs in it! In no preticular order;

Brian Wilson- SMiLE
The New Pornographers- Twin Cinema
Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Show Your Bones (which b.t.w. doesn't skip at all tom)
Built to Spill- You in Reverse
Gnarls Barkley- St. Elsewhere

So yes, pretty much I am a very happy girl right now. Tom, you just scored so many points with me it's not even funny. I basically want to cover you in gold star stickers about now. I'm glad that I'm finally catching up with modern music. I mean I've been aware of all these albums but never been able to get them anyway. So, excellent, sweet, I mean if I can't graduate highschool at the very least I'll be able to be a rock snob of sorts. For what it's worth.

Tomorrow is the request show on the Jill and Katherine Show. Also very excellent because we don't have to do any work really. We could defiantly use a couple more, but we have a fair amount. If we don't have enough we'll just make some up anyway. Katherine and I are talking on MSN right now, making plans for Saturday. Driving, shopping, hah, then, hah, I think we're going to the Marmora Jamboree together. We get in free, thanks to Station Dave! Alls we gotta do is flash our little homemade business cards. Oooo, it might be good, I mean of course if we were city kids we wouldn't dream of attending this thing. Really though, we ARE from Campbellford, and we WILL take what we can get, and we WILL have a good time no matter what it's like. So I'll probably try to post the play list for tomorrow's show. I'll also try and grab the back copy of last weeks and post that.




JILLIAN

ps. Just did a quick calculation, I only have 22 days untill I leave. CRAZY pretty much sums that up. Think, I have to try and save my sorry ass before then as far as school goes. I don't really have any extra space in my mind to be excited about this new job.

Today I did my English media project presentation. Well presented meaning pressed play and walked away. I never really gave it a full listen through but by the third time it was played I got over the embarassment of hearing my own voice saying silly things and reliezed it was alright really. Thompson loved it and gave me 86% on it, which is wonderful and I don't think I could stress it enough how much I needed that high mark. Seeing that I got such a good mark on that I'm starting to think that maybe half the time, when I don't hand in assignments at all because I don't think they're good enough, maybe they really are good enough and I'm just overly-critical of my own work. I know, that isn't a new or profound thought in the world but it's something I should consider more often. I mean is not handing in my best really worth taking a zero for?

This issue of Macleans is really fantastic. I mean normally it's pretty good. I'm talking two pages articles about Sook-Yin Lee and Rufus Wainwright kinda good though. Ah, life is gooood.

JILLIAN

Just got home from a really awesome afternoon with Katherine. We went across the street, armed with coka-colas, our nalgene's full of water, and a portable radio, and swam behind the deserted Trent House Motel. There's a dock and everything.It's a really surreal place because it looks too perfect. Like something out of some stupid movie about growing up and catching frogs and drying from bee stings...awe what a sad movie that was. The water seemed much less shocking then last time, but maybe I just needed it more today. Needless to say, it was sweltering outside. Something absurd like thirty degrees. I mean that's a pretty steady temperature in the Dominican, but defiantly absurd for little ol' Campbellford.

So pretty much we just lay in the sun and enjoyed being local kids. It would be nice to do that all summer, but I suppose it would get boring. I'd probably start smoking and drinking way too much out of boredem. Which isn't as cool as I once thought it too be. Katherine showed me the pictures she's been drawing lately and they were interesting. Not predictable, but they had a charm of some sort or another. She also read me some of the poetry she's been writing, and I sincerely liked most of it. Well, all of it really. She has that pent up talent thing in her favour. I wish I was talented...but at least I can appreciate it?

JILLIAN

I bought all my clothes for my job this summer. It's gonna be sweet to not have to dress myself everyday and then I can look thirty and claim it's because I have to wear the uniform, but we all know how it really is. Felt kinda weird because I am going, and I never think about it but it is going to be really different, and I really am going to be all alone for the most part. Kinda sad. I really do hope I get some C'ford style company up there this summer. Otherwise it might be a really, really long two months. I've had a pretty excellent week, they do happen sometimes those weeks. I still have a lot of school work to finish (and well, start) but I'm just not feeling the pressure as much as I was. I don't really know why. I guess eventually teachers do just accept that you really aren't going to do said projects, then you can continue on learning like everyone else.

Today is the cloudiest day, it's defiantly a hangover day. If I had one it would only be intensified by the general gloom over the day. I'm trying my hardest to celebrate it though. I made a gloomy playlist to listen to while I'm typing this entry. (ps. I found that lost passion for music again, yippie.) Right now the gloomiest of the gloomsters, Damien Rice. That Irish superstar who recorded O in his kitchen. Too perfect for today. Last night was weird. I guess I just don't know how to socialize with the majority of our high school population. I guess that goes for most high school students, anyone with a Livejournal account, and most definatly most people who listen to Damien Rice. It just seemed to be a celebrated fault last night. Seems like everyone was like "hey look at me, i'm awkward! accept me puh-lease!". So yeah, there's the good and the bad. I gotta take a little of both. I'm gonna go read a bit more. I gave up on Roberson Davies' The Manticore. I only had 50 pages to go but I just couldn't do it. Maybe I'm just not ready for it or something. Maybe I just don't know good literature when I read it. Who knows? I moved onto On the Road now.

JILLIAN