I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

i am a passenger, and i ride and i ride and i ride.

2006-09-11T18:09:06Z

Absolutly and totally should be typing up a note for this business class I'm painfully sitting in right now. I would've liked a break today, that's all. My schedule and jam-packed today. This new Machine Running thing after school then straight from that to Madoc. In Madoc I'll have the pleasure of sitting through a meeting about CKOL and whatever the fuck is going on there now. I can say with almost %100 certainty that nothing much will come of it all, nothing groundbreaking at least. Nothing interesting, they're the same type of people that are already at the one in town. They tell the same jokes, have the same opinions, and enjoy the same past-times (aka jambourees). So fuck, I might be getting the boot from there. Which pisses me off because I've been there for two years with a deadly amount of dedication, I leave for two monthes and then it just doesn't count for anything anymore? What is that? It might not be like that though, I'm jumping to conclusions. It just seemed that way when I talked to Dave on the phone the other week. I'm just sick of our work being underappreciated.

I'm putting that outta my mind for a bit, untill I know for sure what's going on with it. It might be nice to leave it be anyway. I've started working with a hilarious community-theatre group called Soul Carnival. It's gonna be great, I'm working on the sound board and in the winter I'll be part of the group of people creating a prodution from scratch. Hopefully I'll be on the sound board then aswell. Mara Brown is in charge of it, my older sisters best friend, so it's nice to have a familiar face running the show. She came to the high school last week to recruit a fleet of teenagers as back-up dancers, ect. She gave me a hug and inhaled how smokey I smelled, dissapprovingly. Yikes, y'a know. This town is like that though.

Went to the city this weekend. Saturday morning, shopped for an embarassing seven hours, found an elliott smith t-shirt, ate some awesome Indian food (except the meat made me feel like I was going to throw up), split a bottle of red wine, went to a gigantic party. Party got busted, understandable considering there were over 300 drunk teenagers on a well-to-do downtown Toronto block. Smoked a PJ, met a young smart-ass magician on the street, went to sleep at three am. Woke up, ate breakfeast in line for "Rain Dogs", loved the movie. Shopped for another absurd amount of time, ate lunch at a fancy English pub with Victoria and her fancy lawyer father. Went to see "How to Build a Broken Mousetrap", director was there, fell in love with his mind, and his films.
Went home.

I'm at home, Campbellford is still a shit-hole.

Jillian

jilliankeene @ 2006-08-20T17:50:00

2006-08-20T22:17:29Z

So I'm here at Bangor Lodge. I've been here for exactly...uhmm, far too long for my liking. I hate my job too much. I like meeting the people whom I clean for but that's just not enough, I guess. I mean, I fucking clean rooms. I'm a maid for-christs-sake. It would drive you to the booze as well, I can pretty much guarantee that. It's been a seriously long time since my last post, going on two monthes now. July dragged on as the dog days of summer often do, and August is flying by. To me, August is when the year really starts. Everything seems so clear, so okay in August. Well, this August at least. My work is becoming more automatic then before (the first couple sentences were an attempted post from some three weeks ago). Although it's not a career I'd choose to do again. I wish it was just like the movie Bottle Rocket. I always wish my life was like some odd-ball movie though, what's new with that?

I'm lonesome as shit up here, but I have my own mind to retreat into. It's read a couple books, finished The Manticore, finally, and you know...I know Ashley I know, I kinda loved it by the end. I would consider reading it again. Right now I'm in a panic to read all these books that I'm supposed to have already read. 75% through Catcher in the Rye right now, love that as well. Holdand's (spelling? I donno) disconcern for the furture and need to experiance the entire world at once is something I can relate to. You know, smart kid but stupid choices. Yeah, I got that covered. Speaking of which, school begins soon. Maybe it's time I stop being so stupid and start using my mind. My mind has been slacking for ages. I've been putting all my mental energy into areas of my life which are totally unimportant right now. Grade 12...time to stop being such a dumb-ass. I also read Katherine's copy of A Woman Destroyed, which I loved as well. Is there any book I don't like? Geez. Anyway, the way I felt about that book is faded now from the original effect so I won't waste my time trying to explain. It's too watered down with time. I bought another of Simon de Beauvoir's books in town the other day. I forget the name, I read the first chapter in a coffee shop next to the used book store I bought it at, The Owl's Pen. The first chapter was wonderful, but I didn't want to get into the book yet as finishing The Catcher would be at risk. I'm happy I haven't been completely illiterate this summer. Lord knows I wasn't to literate this winter or spring. I missed reading. I love those damn caracters so much.

I only have two weeks left up here. I'm used to it now, I'll miss being away from my rents. I love them very much, but they always care so much. It can get a little too much at times. It's wonderful to just have to take care of myself a little. I can just be, and that's enough. At home I'm always having to prove something it seems. I'm sure that's all in my mind though. It's really not all that bad. In a couple hours I'm going to a kegger at my new friends house, Kasandra Cutting. She's wonderful, very full of life, always up for a good time, and someone who honestly sees the glass half full all the time. I don't think I've ever seen her down so more then twenty mintues. So awesome. I really enjoy her company and also the other girl that lives in town. Sarah is her name. She drives this sweet old white pickup and is wonderful is a completley opposite way from Kasandra. Very mild mannered but really...at ease. Anyway, those are the couple people I will miss very much. My room mates are great as well, but not as great as those two girls. I'm surprised that I've gotten used to being around girls as much as I have been. The constant girl chats are starting to become nothing more then white noise to me. Doesn't even phase me anymore.

I've been killing afternoons lately by going into town and exploring Bracebridge. It's nice to only have to worry about yourself. I mean, I can go into and leave town whenever I want, I can follow whichever whim comes into my head, monetary concerns aren't an issue with this job and all. It's just nice, and I feel so much better when I return. This is the kinda place where people question where you've been and who you went with the second you walk onto the property. I've told people to fuck off before for asking me so many goddamn questions. I don't regret it either.

Gotta split,
Jillian

being scammed by the computer mannn, man.

2006-06-21T18:35:07Z

holy shit...my computer is going to cost urhm, $600-1000 to fix. which is making alot of people mad but is just making me sad because all i wanted to do was set up my new iPod. what a wet blanket! So my parents are paying for that and I feel pretty terrible. I mean I really didn't mean to cause this much trouble.

Anyway, what a downer!

JILLIAN

jilliankeene @ 2006-06-18T05:27:00

2006-06-18T21:48:43Z

Spent all day today selling ice cream at Westben. So of course, now that I'm finally home I just ate an amazing bowl of ice cream. The concert was kids playing some sweet violin music. They were pretty amazing. The lady who was speaking did an interesting presentation throughout the show on a program they are doing in Africa. Teaching kids how to play the violin over there I guess. Her name is Sue Hammond I think. I remember when I was pretty young I used to listen to one of her tapes over and over again. I think it was Mozart maybe. Along with a story about an ice princess or something. Similar to that character from The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. Anyway, I unwittingly met her today. Which was cool in retrospect. I filled her water bottle for her. :) She drinks water.

Anyway, I got that XP program from Jesse a couple days agao and the stupid mother fucking thing has almost completly screwed up my computer and iTunes won't transfer all my files and my soundcard doesn't have the right device or something so thats completly fucked and...gah, I don't even want to think about it anymore. It's killing me. I'm calling in our computer guy on Monday, because I need music for the summer. Need it. Bad.

I'm kinda bored, and really hot, and Tom isn't home from his Dad's, and Katherine's at work and for some reason I'd be wierd to call Alison (I donno either, it's depressing). Final verdict. I should be studying, but, uhm, that's really not going to happen. So i'm probably gonna play Tetris or read.

JILLIAN

Look out, the world's destroyin' ya.

2006-06-11T18:19:34Z

Feeling a little bit better today...of course.
Last night I didn't do much of anything, Tom made me feel better, but I don't think he knows he did. I would like to believe that I'm usually thought of as being composed and pretty steady when it comes to silly things like emotions or whatever you want to call it. So when I let that front down, well, I pretty much immediately regret it. Maybe if I wasn't constantly keeping it all "together", instead of just saying whats on my mind, it wouldn't blow up like it does every once and awhile. Oh self-analysis. What fun!

Mother went out for dinner last night with her friends, brought me home some amazing Indian food (yum). Pa was driving a big ol' bus to Montreal and back. The house was real silent all night, and I really don't remember what I did to fill all that time. Procrastination makes time speed up I guess.

Fifteen minutes and I will start my knock-down-drag-out war with these essays. I'll finish my English one, considering I'm under a signed contract, then move onto my History one if I feel up to it.

Bought a pretty sweet iPod. Used, last years model, a heavy little guy. Colour, pictures, 20GB, and half price! Although I really need that stupid XP thing. Which by the way, I think is stupid. The iPod costs a small fortune, but the program costs just as much! I live in the sticks and my family doesn't even know what XP is let alone have it.
Tom and I decided to name him Donovan. Sunshine Superman guy ya' know. I think it's quite fitting.

I've procrastinated enough now. It's about time I got these essay outta the way.

JILLIAN

ps I noticed that I work much better in a darker room then a light one. I'm set for London livin' maybe?

When I get a bunch of CD's at once I take an immediate liking to a couple of them and really am not drawn to one of them. The other time I can think of this happening is something like three years ago when I bought Hot Hot Heat- Make Up the Breakdown, The Raveonettes- Chain Gang of Love, and Elliott Smith- Figure 8. I loved the first two and was kinda "meh" on the Smith one. Soon I became pretty obsessed with Figure 8 and Smith's career (anyone who knows me, or knew me then, knows that I bought his book and had a shrine for a long time)Three years later I still love Figure 8 and I really couldn't care less about the other two.

I love You in Reverse sooooo much. It might be my new Figure 8, but I donno. No promises yet.

jilliankeene @ 2006-06-09T04:24:00

2006-06-09T21:33:54Z

Last week's...June 1st

Gatekeeper- Feist
The Simple Story- Feist, Jane Birkin
Mushaboom- Feist, Mocky Remix
Almost Kills (Radio Remix)- Broken Social Scene
One Evening- Feist, VV Remix
Major Label Debut- Broken Social Scene

Steady, As She Goes- The Raconteurs
Wasting My Time- The White Stripes
Portland, Oregon- Loretta Lynn ft. Jack White
Walking With a Ghost- Tegan and Sara
Level- The Raconteurs
Freedom Hangs Like Heaven- Iron and Wine

I'll let the reasons and connections between those songs explain themselves because my day was shit. I tried, I really did, to change my perspective. I mean that IS what everyone says it's all about, perspective that is. I just couldn't. Probably the weather or whatever. Who cares, everything's going to hell anyway. Woody took me aside and gave me a nice pep talk about how I'm bright and for some reason I need to be told that because I'm overly critical of myself...something along those lines. I suppose it's nice to hear that, but I really don't think he knows what he's talking about. He might be under the impression that I have potential but I think it's just because my brother and sister were smart kids. Even if it's all lies, I appreciate that he tried. If only I could just be "bright" and not have to prove it. Or I'd even be okay with it if people were just like "oh it's okay Jill, I mean you may not be the brightest girl but you're not really ugly so you can marry into money". Not really, that comment would rile we right up on a regular day. Today I'm just ready to lie down and accept whatever's handed to me.

Request Show

Blackheart- Cuff the Duke
St. James Infirmary- Leadbelly
Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen
Six Days- DJ Shadow
Sleeveless in Vancouver- Justin Rutledge
The Trouble With Love Is- Kelly Clarkson *
It Ain't the Meat, It's the Motion- Maria Muldour
Slow Burning Fire- The Skydiggers
Feel You Closer- The Skydiggers
KC Accidental- Broken Social Scene
How Will I Know You- Mocky
Down Drinking at the Bar- Loudon Wainwright
Lies- The Swamp Band
Rock and Roll Is My Guitar- Danger Cat

*please let the record show that this was a request show, and under any other circumstances we would not encourage Kelly Clarkson's musical career.

I really am attempting to make myself feel better. I made myself a pot of coffee and I plan to take the longest bath around. I guess I just had a really bad day and thought maybe some of my friends would be around to make me feel a little less lonely, but really when it gets right down it to I shouldn't be depending on other people to make me feel better. That's an idea I should get through my head.

Fuck it.
I got angst to boot right now. Whatever that means...

JILLIAN

CRAZY

2006-06-07T21:30:45Z

I think I have almost completely royally fucked up the whole academic aspect of my high school English class. I don't know how to write an essay, I don't have any deep thoughts on The Great Gatsby because I didn't read it all, and I really, really don't want to do any work. Drama, drama, but when it boils right down to it, pure lazy.

In other, more important, news...
I opened my locker today and found the best surprise in the whole, entire world. A package from the best boyfiend around (conveniently also mine) with five new CDs in it! In no preticular order;

Brian Wilson- SMiLE
The New Pornographers- Twin Cinema
Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Show Your Bones (which b.t.w. doesn't skip at all tom)
Built to Spill- You in Reverse
Gnarls Barkley- St. Elsewhere

So yes, pretty much I am a very happy girl right now. Tom, you just scored so many points with me it's not even funny. I basically want to cover you in gold star stickers about now. I'm glad that I'm finally catching up with modern music. I mean I've been aware of all these albums but never been able to get them anyway. So, excellent, sweet, I mean if I can't graduate highschool at the very least I'll be able to be a rock snob of sorts. For what it's worth.

Tomorrow is the request show on the Jill and Katherine Show. Also very excellent because we don't have to do any work really. We could defiantly use a couple more, but we have a fair amount. If we don't have enough we'll just make some up anyway. Katherine and I are talking on MSN right now, making plans for Saturday. Driving, shopping, hah, then, hah, I think we're going to the Marmora Jamboree together. We get in free, thanks to Station Dave! Alls we gotta do is flash our little homemade business cards. Oooo, it might be good, I mean of course if we were city kids we wouldn't dream of attending this thing. Really though, we ARE from Campbellford, and we WILL take what we can get, and we WILL have a good time no matter what it's like. So I'll probably try to post the play list for tomorrow's show. I'll also try and grab the back copy of last weeks and post that.

JILLIAN

ps. Just did a quick calculation, I only have 22 days untill I leave. CRAZY pretty much sums that up. Think, I have to try and save my sorry ass before then as far as school goes. I don't really have any extra space in my mind to be excited about this new job.

damn good epsiode of "cowboys and mexicans" on the old thyme radio!

2006-05-31T21:18:24Z

Today I did my English media project presentation. Well presented meaning pressed play and walked away. I never really gave it a full listen through but by the third time it was played I got over the embarassment of hearing my own voice saying silly things and reliezed it was alright really. Thompson loved it and gave me 86% on it, which is wonderful and I don't think I could stress it enough how much I needed that high mark. Seeing that I got such a good mark on that I'm starting to think that maybe half the time, when I don't hand in assignments at all because I don't think they're good enough, maybe they really are good enough and I'm just overly-critical of my own work. I know, that isn't a new or profound thought in the world but it's something I should consider more often. I mean is not handing in my best really worth taking a zero for?

This issue of Macleans is really fantastic. I mean normally it's pretty good. I'm talking two pages articles about Sook-Yin Lee and Rufus Wainwright kinda good though. Ah, life is gooood.

JILLIAN

if you want to find out, find out/you got to look them in the eye

2006-05-30T22:35:06Z

Just got home from a really awesome afternoon with Katherine. We went across the street, armed with coka-colas, our nalgene's full of water, and a portable radio, and swam behind the deserted Trent House Motel. There's a dock and everything.It's a really surreal place because it looks too perfect. Like something out of some stupid movie about growing up and catching frogs and drying from bee stings...awe what a sad movie that was. The water seemed much less shocking then last time, but maybe I just needed it more today. Needless to say, it was sweltering outside. Something absurd like thirty degrees. I mean that's a pretty steady temperature in the Dominican, but defiantly absurd for little ol' Campbellford.

So pretty much we just lay in the sun and enjoyed being local kids. It would be nice to do that all summer, but I suppose it would get boring. I'd probably start smoking and drinking way too much out of boredem. Which isn't as cool as I once thought it too be. Katherine showed me the pictures she's been drawing lately and they were interesting. Not predictable, but they had a charm of some sort or another. She also read me some of the poetry she's been writing, and I sincerely liked most of it. Well, all of it really. She has that pent up talent thing in her favour. I wish I was talented...but at least I can appreciate it?

JILLIAN

amie come sit on my wall and read me the story of O

2006-05-28T22:20:44Z

I bought all my clothes for my job this summer. It's gonna be sweet to not have to dress myself everyday and then I can look thirty and claim it's because I have to wear the uniform, but we all know how it really is. Felt kinda weird because I am going, and I never think about it but it is going to be really different, and I really am going to be all alone for the most part. Kinda sad. I really do hope I get some C'ford style company up there this summer. Otherwise it might be a really, really long two months. I've had a pretty excellent week, they do happen sometimes those weeks. I still have a lot of school work to finish (and well, start) but I'm just not feeling the pressure as much as I was. I don't really know why. I guess eventually teachers do just accept that you really aren't going to do said projects, then you can continue on learning like everyone else.

Today is the cloudiest day, it's defiantly a hangover day. If I had one it would only be intensified by the general gloom over the day. I'm trying my hardest to celebrate it though. I made a gloomy playlist to listen to while I'm typing this entry. (ps. I found that lost passion for music again, yippie.) Right now the gloomiest of the gloomsters, Damien Rice. That Irish superstar who recorded O in his kitchen. Too perfect for today. Last night was weird. I guess I just don't know how to socialize with the majority of our high school population. I guess that goes for most high school students, anyone with a Livejournal account, and most definatly most people who listen to Damien Rice. It just seemed to be a celebrated fault last night. Seems like everyone was like "hey look at me, i'm awkward! accept me puh-lease!". So yeah, there's the good and the bad. I gotta take a little of both. I'm gonna go read a bit more. I gave up on Roberson Davies' The Manticore. I only had 50 pages to go but I just couldn't do it. Maybe I'm just not ready for it or something. Maybe I just don't know good literature when I read it. Who knows? I moved onto On the Road now.

JILLIAN

happy birthday bobby d!

2006-05-25T02:07:07Z

Today was WONDERFUL. I forgot how great school trips are. Fort York was a...blast? Better then school when it gets right down to it. Kennsington market was fantastic and I had a wicked time chillin' with Jesse. So much beautiful stuff there.

Katherin, Ali and I met up after I got home. We smoked a little pot and swam in the river. It was cold, but one I get an idea in my head it's hard to get it out so it really just had to be done. First time this year! Funny thing is I usually don't swim in the river, not even when it's hot, but you know...the idea gets there.

Hilarious anticdote, when we were leaving Katherines I stopped to wish Katherine's parent as happy bob dylan's birthday and mr.lewis said
"Well, that just changes everything doesn't it?" and turned off the tv. I didn't stick around but I bet they put one of their taped documentaries on him, or maybe listened to one of this cd's. Alls I know is that that was the best reaction I could've asked for.

Happy Birthday Bob Dylan! You kinda rock, even if it is predictable and all to love you, I still do!

It's been awhie since I've seen Tom and I miss him, and it's lame, but it really has been awhile. Not like, thirteen hours and twelve minutes or any of that bullshit. More like uh, sixty hours or something like that...maybe?

Spades are playing tomorrow, cd release show. I really hope I can get my homework done cause I think this will be the last time I'd be able to see them for a couple months. And you never know when their last show will be. I mean I didn't think that dramatic Poor Edward show would be their last! I wish I'd had more fun...ah retrospect. Anyway, I'm exhausted. I had a dream that I was at the station alone to interview this crapppy Legion country singer (one whom I, sadley, have interviewed before). It was him, myself, and his creepy bandmate. He looked just like that guy from that band and they sang about driving to another sunny state and drinking alot. I donno, the other guy is real short. Doesn't matter, annnyway I went outside for a cigarette and then I went back in and the one guy slit my throat. And while I was bleeding to death I turned on the mike and asked listeners to call 911. I donno if they did or not. Maybe no one was listening. Either way, obviously I didn't sleep too well.

peace out,
JILLIAN

I remember when, I remeber when, I remember when I lost my mind

2006-05-20T22:17:37Z

Ever notice how effective strings can be in a song? I suppose it's difficult because if you take it too far it's just terrible, but when it's done right it sounds just perfect.

That song, urm "Butterfly" by that Crazytown band. Something like that, annnyways that song sounds dangerously like Pretty Little Ditty by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Which I just heard for the first time right now, and that Crazytown band came to mind right away. I hope that isn't a music sin. For the record I don't think Crazytown and Red Hot Chili Peppers are even close to on the same level of musicianship. This observation was prompted by this sweeeet cd Jesse Fillmore made me a couple days ago;

Loser-Beck
Enfilade- At the Drive-In
Powdered Wig Machine- Desert Sessions
Destroy Everything You Touch- Ladytron
Teardrop- Massive Attack
Punk Rock Paranda- Gogol Bordello
7 Minutes- Circlesquare
Where Eagles Have Been- Wolfmother
When The Sun Goes Down- Arctic Monkeys
Let's Get Radical- Gogol Bordello
Next to Nothing- Fatboy Slim
Pretty Little Ditty- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Start Wearing Purple- Gogol Bordello
Six Days- DJ Shadow
Crawl Home- Desert Sessions
Napoleon Solo- At the Drive-In
Devil's Eyes- Buck 65
Crazy- Gnarls Barkley
If You Talk Too Much (My Head Will Explode)- People In Planes
Into Dust Reprise- Femme Fatale

My thought on some of these?

a) I like this Bordello character, I think he's pretty crazy. I think being pretty crazy in the music business is a hard thing to do. Of couse there are tons of bands that really try and be crazy and that's pretty transparent. I like that story about him wanting people to listen to his music, dowse themselves in Vodka and then light themselves on fire. That was the clincher.

b) I thought that for sure Massive Attack would be fronted by a boy, but I like this girl too. Like Bjork but a little less...celtic? crazy? nah, I love Bjork I don't mean to be hatin' on her at all.

c) Arctic Monkeys remind me of Franz Ferdinand and a mixture of other bands too. I can dig it, but I doubt I'll really remember them in a year.

d) I really, really, really, like Buck 65's new direction. I was really surprised because I was expected something more hip-hoppy. His new song sounds nothing like "Talkin' Honky Blues" did.

e) When Jesse first shoved an ear phone into my ear in some class awhile ago I had a minor freak-out. I freaked out because I'd heard that song on DNTO a week before and was like whoa, that's awesome shit. I can't get it our of my head. When I heard it I made a mental note to tell Jesse about it because I thought he might like it. Anyways, I guess he heard it on the Wedge that weekend. Really though, I think he can read my mind. I think this song it like number one or something absurd like that in the UK. Makes sense, I can't get it out of my head again.

f) That People In Planes band. My cousin (whom I always thought was a total square) and I actually had a solid conversation about music last time I was up visiting family. And he mentioned these guys as his new find of the week. He said they sounded a bit like Radiohead, which I can hear now. When he explained them I remember thinking that I should tell Jesse and Tom about them because they would probably appreciate them more then me. And then Jesse put this song on that cd and here we are now. When it comes to music, the world is small I suppose.

g) Circlesquare sounds a lot like Ken Tizzard, and the strange thing is the song is called Seven Minutes and a song Ken sings is called Seven Minutes 'Till Showtime. Strange huh? I gotta admit I'm kinda skeptical. I hate saying that.

I suppose I'm over analysing it a bit. These are just first impressions. Overall though, I love it.

Waiting to start my night now. I'll be outta here real soon.

JILLIAN

jilliankeene @ 2006-05-19T09:28:00

2006-05-19T13:28:33Z

For No One- The Beatles
Condor Ave.- Elliott Smith
If You See Her, Say Hello- Bob Dylan
Only in the Past- The Be Good Tanyas
That's a Chance I'll Have to Take- Waylon Jennings
Old Friends, New Lovers- The Thrills
Warehouse- Dave Matthews Band
Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels)- Arcade Fire
Reptilia- The Strokes
Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene
Train Under Water- Bright Eyes
Lodestar- Sarah Harmer

Above is the rough playlist from last night. I don't think it's exact because I passed the order over to Katherine. She had a big plan and I definatly did not. After the show we sat around the empty station and listened to music and had a good, long talk about nothing really. We listened to Paul Simon and half of James Taylor's album Sweet Baby James. It was really excellent and we thought that maybe it would've made a good "after-hours" show, but maybe it wouldn't. Let's say it was good idea though, well if that was the case then there could be two different people on every segment. Yeah, it might be alright.

it's waaay too early to call Tom, damn it.

JILLIAN

whoa baby baby you must be outta you're mind.

2006-05-18T02:12:28Z

I'm kinda sorta worried. I think that I might have lost the passion I once had for music. Yes, I can't believe it either. In fact I straight up refuse to accept this. For all I know I'm just in a music-lovin' rut. I really, really, really hope so. I always said that I would never be one of those people who lose that. I have always said that music would be one of the most important things in my life. But I haven't felt it lately, I mean really felt it. Like I used to. Not to mention I haven't picked up my guitar is AGES. Which is the saddest thing in the world and there's no way I could tell Elijah. Not that I have to try that hard to avoid him...with the in another country thing I don't think I should be too worried. But of late I'm been kinda lovin' this Sounds of Silence Tom burnt me. Especially "Somewhere They Can't Find Me". Oh especially that, and the guitar at the beginning of "I Am a Rock". Maybe that's the love for music I was talking about, maybe it's not all lost.

Everyone, I mean everyone, like past and present everyone, seems sooo happy lately and in turn it makes me really happy. We all used to be so fucked up and it's nice to see everyone settle in what they're doing and who they are. I guess it's one of those cool things you see in high school, or hope you see at least.

Past couple days I've been on serious cruise control. Tom, poor Tom, has been outta the race for a couple days. Poor guy, that's probably the worst thing that could happen. I mean a broken coller bone is something, a broken neck is something, but this is something entirely unimaginable. I hate seeing him in so much pain. It was really nice to see him today (other then the pain of couse)'cause I missed him being around this past little while. Get better soon, darling!

America's Next Top Model season finale was tonight and definatly lived up to the hype. Jade wasn't in the top three, of couse she wasn't, and she really did a good job of playing the generic "bitch" role. I mean she took it to a whole new level. There's always a "Jade" but she really should get a bonus or something, 'cause I really disliked her. I would have been happy with either of the final two winning. I gotta admit i was sercretly rooting for the girl who lost, Joni, but only because she took the coolest picture ever when they did the professions poses. I know it sounds lame, and it absolutly is but I thnk everyone needs one pop culture vice. Another season of my vice in over and I really can't wait untill my next fix.

Sleep..........321 now.

deKeene
*Katherine gave me an "art name", if said wrong it can sound a little football but say it like it's French and it's effect is seen.

Lee and Mee

2006-05-13T19:18:39Z

Sook-Yin Lee played Cub today. Kay so, basically my FRIGGIN' IDOL played Cub on DNTO. Guess what song she played? You bet My Chinchila was played. So kay, urm, Katherine and I have played that song. Actually if i remember correctly that's my absolute favorite by them. Actually now that I really think about it I played Cub last night.

Today is picking up. Started off with the usual blarg sickness. But now, after listening to CBC all morning, driving my mother and grandmother into town, making double-chocolate muffins, and drinking about four cups of coffee, I'm feeling kinda fine. I'm heading into my fifth cup right now, and my veins are hoppin' just like they should be. I really do believe it was the Cub that turned it all around. It's like Sook-Yin and me are already best friends! Hah, I wish. There's no way I could be that ironically uncool (of course resulting in coolness). Either way, my day just got substancially better.

JILLIAN

scarecrow's only scaring himself

2006-05-13T17:30:51Z

So right about now I'm feeling (and looking) pretty horrific. I hate being sick, it just eats me right up inside that I can't do anything. It's been raining the past couple days which has put everyone in a strange mood, as it usually does. Of course the rain really helped me to bask in my illness. I mean what's better then staying in bad all day when it's raining outside? Holy pathetic fallacy! Speaking of literary terms, my English teacher said I don't "work hard". Of couse I know this is true, but just hearing it isn't cool. Not cool at all. So my game plan is to start working. Seems simple, but when you're already deep into the habit of avoiding work like the plague then it's not too easy. Did the show a couple nights ago. Katherine is in Washington so it was just me. The play list went a little like this;

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover- Paul Simon
Somebody That I Used to Know- Elliott Smith
Devil Got My Woman- Skip James
463- Buck 65
Jimmy Cricket- The Starlight Mints
Police and Thieves- The Clash
It's Time- Cub
There She Goes Again- The Velvet Underground
Soul for Hire- Elvis Costello
Outsmarted- The Hives
*half way through this one I reliezed that they probably swear in this song, so I worked myself all up for the one part where they say "shit" and blanked it out. God, imagine Station Dave's blood pressure after hearing that! hah, you think I'm kidding don't you?
Sing It Again- Beck
San Quantin- Johnny Cash
Look at Me- John Lennon
A7th Minor- Jill Barber
Buried Gold- The Silver Hearts
Mother and Child Reunion- Paul Simon
*I know, I know, it was just a Paul Simon kinda night okay?
Mother Pray- Ben Harper and the Blind Boys of Alabama

After the show I called a cad to get on home as mother was away at some meeting so something somewhere else. I called Tri-town because everyone knows they're better then Ellis for a million reasons. The driver was the one who can't hear anything you say. He talked about a cat named Cheeko that he had to cat sit, his three legged collie (named Doob) and his cats. Who knows? I guess pets is something that most people can relate to. It was much cheaper then I expected though. So if i had to sit through rants about cats for one wicked discount, so be it.

JILLIAN

catsup

2006-05-10T01:17:05Z

Good ol' auto save. This one was from awhile ago, but forgot to actually click "update journal" i guess. It made it though, oh technology.

To-morrow, to-morrow, and to-morrow
Creeps at this petty pace day to day.
And all our yesturdays have lighted fools,
The way to dusty deaths. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
Who struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is head no more. It's a tale,
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5, lines 16-27

Now that i have depressed the hell out of you...practiced that all night tonight. I must have wrote it over fifteen times. I'm such a little soldier sometimes, but most the time I guess you could call me a draft dodger when it comes to schooling. I hope it's right at least. After all that I mean it'd better be right.

Worked today. I really enjoy this job. We watered the trees we planted last week, took some vintage car parts back to his house, and then I finished shining those hubcabs. A Brazillian one and an American one. Don't ask me anything else about them, that's all I know and I don't know what it means either. Anyway, it was excellent. I always thought that mechanics would have a lot of time to think profound things while they're working away on those cars and such things but now that I'm doing that kinda stuff I relieze that even just shining hubcaps takes a certain amount on concentration. Maybe it's just hard for me though. Maybe all mechanics are as profound as Neil Young. It's possible. My entire day was pretty excellent. Law was a joke which I mildly napped through most of. Only mildly though, not a full-fledged nap rally. English was intense as usual, but satisfying? I donno, at lunch i had dentention (who even knew they had that anymore?) but it wasn't bad at all because Creepface just sat there and talking us all up about the weather and shit like that and then he asked me if my dad was Doug Keene and I said yes and then he said that he'd met him because my dad is starting a football team at the highschool next year and then he told me I could go because i had really just forgoten to bring in my note (which he didn't really mean because i told him that i'd skipped ten minutes before that). So dentention wasn't all that bad after all. History was long, and Art was fantastic because we got to sit outside and draw trees and I was really happy to have company and that it was so warm out and it was just the perfect way to end the day. Mrs. Thompson would absolutly slit my troat if she saw these run on sentences.

Tomorrow I finish off the school week and this is as far as i got the first time' round. So I'll fill in the spaces the weekend brought around. Camp Enterprise was definatly as "rah, rah" as I expected, but my team still won. Which I don't mind at all because they gave me a $250 busery for winning, plus my team totally won and i have no idea why because i don't really see myself (and didn't see anyone else on my team) as a winner. I was sure we'd get last. Cool shit. So yes, not much to say about the camp other then that. We did a drum circle which was fun and it'd do it again in a second. Maybe not the camp, but definatly the drum circle.

This journal is so outdated...deal wit' it.

JILLIAN

they stone ya' just like they said they would

2006-04-30T23:58:29Z

I ate so much ice cream today it's either disgusting or amazing, I haven't decided yet. The strange thing about this is that I usually don't eat all that much ice cream, yet today whenever I had to eat something the obvious choice seemed to be ice cream.

I'm quite sticky now.

So, I would write about the chaos that is my life right now. But y'a know...I don't really think there's much to be said that hasn't been already. Although I used to have too much to say on the matter, I just don't feel the need to justify myself because it won't matter what I say. No one actually wants to listen to what I have to say. So fuck it. I'd much rather eat ice cream in peace.

I finished Young Drivers, well the class part anyway. It's a tad pathetic, but I was kinda sad saying goodbye to my YD friends. They were nice enough. One guy was from Hastings, I forget his name but he's living with a girl named Amanda? I didn't sit anywhere near him though so he wasn't really a YD friend. On another note, the weekend went SO fast. Of course it was not
without babysitting of sorts, children and an extremly social awkard teenage boy. Got paid for the first stint, but my money's all gone now. I mean all gone, and I have no idea where it went to either. I had a really nice weekend though, I really did. Even if it was spent mostly in that white, white, white, bright, room. It's just nice to be away from Hatehigh for a couple days.

you must look at this, yes you, http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail141.html
i don't really have all that much to say today. expect maybe this, I bought some used cds yesturday and one of them was whitechocolatespaceegg by Liz Phair, whom I haven't heard but I've heard of if you know what i mean, and she looks a lot like Jackie Bennett on the cover. That's all for now.

JILLIAN

its like the apple eating people that we once were arent there

2006-04-20T01:47:18Z

You know how they say you learn something new every day? Here's what i learned today;

1. I learned that that STRANGE kid in my art class is from a totally rich family that owns two vineyards. I learned that he is in charge of people's jobs, which is one of the scariest things in the world. I would be so pissed if I worked there and some rich 18 year old kid was my boss.

2. I learned how to change a tire in a puddle, and get paid way too much to do it. I think I actually like working on cars...gah, sometimes I'm such a boy.

3. I learned that I'm really bad at being on time for meetings at Hillcrest Public School. The kids there must think I'm the biggest jerk around. I missed fourth though, which was a sweet deal.

4. I learned the true meaning of irony, I can't help clean up the parks on Earth Day because I have to start Young Drivers.

5. I learned that the song "Grass" by Animal Collective makes me SO HAPPY. Even though it's so strange and doesn't make much sense. In fact, I might go so far to say that it's nonsense. This album makes me feel warm and stoned without needing the sun or pot...I can only imagine it with both those things. I might go mad with happiness if I had all that though. See for yourself.

Animal Collective - Grass

i was walking on feet
just like my fathers
and my knees were trying to reach you
at your mothers
cause my nose was screaming that you
smelled like a lover
but my hands were happy to treat you
like a brother then

we do the dance up on the plains
then i shake your shoulders
you push me down into the grains
who rubs our noses in the night? we do we do

pow pow now now pow pow now now

ive been into the plants and simple treasures
and i sew patches on pants and i get pleasure
and i dont make particular plans
cause they dont matter
if you keep on foolin in bed
with my sleeping patterns

we do the dance up on the plains
then i shake your shoulders
you push me down into the grains
who rubs our noses in the night? we do we do

pow pow now now pow pow now now

Whats with all the changes since the time i was aware
its like the apple eating people that we once were arent there
Did they empty out their pockets and debase their younger faces and you must make sure your happy when you leave your summer places

pretty little femur sitting in my cherry dream boat
id be sad if your rejected from my hip bone and my knee
if i sailed away from continents and touched my lovers hair then
you'd be very happy if i touched her there

pretty little femur sitting in my cherry dream boat
id be sad if your rejected from my hip bone and my knee
if i sailed away from continents and touched my lovers hair then
you'd be very happy if i touched her there
i was very nervous how i felt in there
i was very cautious what'd you say hey there
would you like to see me often
though you dont need to see me often
cause i'd like to see you often
though i dont need to see you often

we do the dance up on the plains
then i shake your shoulders
you push me down into the grains
who rubs our noses in the night?

6. I learned that I am totally a fan of change. Especially this one 'cause you rock. Almost as much as "Grass". Almost.

JILLIAN

my music taste really does control every aspect of my life!

2006-04-18T00:28:25Z

I actually thought this forward was fun. As far as accuracy goes, that ones up for interpretation.

Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
No cheating.

How am I feeling today?: Unite- The Beastie Boys

Will I get far in life?: One Horse Town- The Thrills

How do friends see me?: Light Enough to Travel- The Be Good Tanyas

Where will I get Married?: Lonely- Tom Waits...isn't that depressing? he says "lonely" thirty times in this song by the way.

What is in store for this weekend?: If You See Her, Say Hello- Bob Dylan.

What song describes my parents?: eww Californication- Red Hot Chili Peppers. this one is so dead wrong.

My grandparents?: Sweet Adeline- Elliott Smith

How is my life going?: The Sky Lit Up- PJ Harvey

What song will they play at my funeral?: Thoughts of Mary Jane- Nick Drake. Hil-arious, but oddly effective when you listen to the lyrics.

How does the world see me?: Danny- The Silver Hearts

Will I have a happy life?: Come As You Are- Nirvana (he does have a gun! he does have a gun!)

What do my friends really think of me?: Bullet Proof- Radiohead

Do people secretly lust after me?: Motel 6- Cub

How can I make myself happy?: 22 Steps- Andy Stochansky

What should I do with my life?: The Three of Us- Ben Harper

Will I ever have children?: Guess Who?- B.B. King. how fitting.

What is some good advice for me?: Single Woman- Dolly Parton. no joke.

What is my signature dancing song?: Stars and Sons- Broken Social Scene

What do I think my current theme song is?: Commandante- K-Os

What do other people think of your current theme song?: Cheers Darlin'- Damien Rice

What type of men/women do you like?: Fix You- Coldplay

What song best describes my attitude?: Danny Boy- Johnny Cash.

What do I find easy?: Pin- Yeah Yeah Yeah's. SUCH a dirty song.

What do I find hard?: Voice of the Voiceless- RATM

What best describes my living area?: When You Dance You Can Really Love- Neil Young

Where am I most likely to be in 10 years?: Words of Love- The Mamas & the Papas

What will be my biggest acomplisment?: Place to Be- Nick Drake

The best thing Ive ever done?: Glass Ceiling- Metric
Song that best describes my best friend?: Down on the Street- RATM

Song that best describes my highschool experience?: All Along the Watchtower- Bob Dylan. Am I the joker or the thief?

My Favourite Band? Northern Skies- James McKenty/The Spades

My favourite thing to do?: Vegtable- Radiohead

The best place to party?: Jacqueline- Franz Ferdinand

The best place to vege out?: In Spite of All the Damage- The Be Good Tanyas

The best place to get wild?: Tangled Up in Plaid- Queens of the Stone Age

What way do I want to die?: Backwoods- Cub

What way do I not want to die?: Is This Desire?- PJ Harvey

What is my biggest fear?: Glory and Consequence- Ben Harper. this one was strange, just look at the lyrics.

Who will do this and send this on?: Me and the Major- Belle and Sebastian

Today I went shopping with my mother and Katherine. Along the way I decided I really like Elm trees because they're like totally underground and no one else likes them. They're like the indie-tree. JUST KIDDING. har har.

JILLIAN

with the rerun shows and the cocaine nose-job

2006-04-16T01:30:25Z

Hi...
My hair is all knotty and I'm in London right now. Ontario that is, so nothing exciting or anything. Acutally I'm tucked snuggly away in upper-middle class suberbia right now. We've been driving basically all day, which had it's perks; I got some serious music listening in. So we're here and that's cool I guess. I really had no reason not to come along. Now that I think of it punking out on your family isn't the coolest thing ever. Picked up some books up at my other Grandmother's apartment. They have this cool thing were the people in her building put books they're done with in this public library thing and you can go and take however many you want. It's a pretty solid idea. Couple by Steinbeck who people keep telling me is amazing, so I keep trying. One of three of Oscer Wilde's plays which I'll give a shot, and Robertson Davies' The Manticore. I'm about half way through the last one and I really like to so far. I haven't read in awhile. It feels good to read again. It was worth that sick feeling you get when you read in a car.

The bird clock next to me is Blue Jaying right now. I can't beleive it's already Blue Jay o' clock. We have one of these crazy clocks at home so I'm not really freaked out by it. I should be though, they're strange. I really wanted to be at home for the weekend but I suppose it's better that I'm here. Along the trip I noticed that some roadstops are exactly the same. It's really surreal. I mean the murals and everything are identical. Even the shiny sunglasses stand was indentical. I think it'd be interesting to work at one of those places though you could watch everyone travelling through and I think you'd see many interesting people. Then again, when one doesn't have a job every job sounds fasinating. Speaking of jobs, I start the "manual labour" I signed up for on Wednesday. Apparently I'll be planting trees and picking up garbage. So that'll be good practice if I ever go tree-planting later in life. Which I'd really dig. Hah, why do I always pun unintentionally? Anyway, it'll be good either way. I need some cash asap. Re-phrase...would like some cash asap. Haven't heard back from Bangor...unsettling. I was talking to Dave the other day and he said that if that job didn't work out I was more then welcome to work with CKOL in Madoc. So I'm not worried...just curious I suppose. Both would be good times really. Just as long as I don't have to work in anywhere air-conditioned, makes me feel so ILL.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, fathers are going golfing, mothers are going to chuch, and I am sleeping IN. My cousin used to be a driving test guy so I'm gonna try and drive with him tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

JILLIAN

"Curiosity killed the cat"..."I deny that," said Cobbler; "the cat probably died a happy martyr to reseach".

ps. I need to remember this song playing, I'd like to her it again. Called "Mabel", Ridley Bent does it here with Ndidi Onukwulu. I just looked it up what can I say?

my pride is dying/think i'm all done lying.

2006-04-14T23:53:37Z

Here's how the show went last night;

Tribute- Tenacious D
The Story's Often Told- The Sadies
Start Wearing Purple- Gorgul Bordello
Gold Lion- Yeah Yeah Yeah's
Steady As She Goes- The Raconteurs
I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself- The White Stripes
Don't Do It- The Band
Lost Together- Blue Rodeo
I Will Give You Everything- The Skydiggers
Exodus- Bob Marley
Happy Endings- Shadrach

I donno, it was a solid show. Nothing to write home about, but only a couple technical difficulties. Not really techinical so much as, Jill is a moron difficulties. I hope I get used to the studio soon, I hate screwing up. Other then me being stupid it went well though. After we closed up the phone rang and I really didn't want to answer it but Katherine told me we should pick it up, so I did and it was Heather so we had to deal with her regular drama. Me pointing out that she's dramatic isn't out of spite, it's just true. Anyway, we sat on that stone thing across from Tim Hortons for a long while, eventually we went to Alisons, then i decided that I wanted to learn how to use that skateboard I bought. I only learn in the dead of night though, if I ever get good I might consider dusk. Maybe. We couldn't find any mind altering substances so we turned in early.
I had a brutal sleep. If you could even call it sleep.

Today's been strange. Where did all these fucking birds come from? I can't handle this constant chirping much longer. I'm feeling wierd today and I think it's just because I didn't get much sleep and I have this wicked cold. I definatly am giving off the crack-whore vibe today. Trying really hard not to though. I don't even know why, but that's all I've been seeing when I look into the mirror lately. I will assure you, I do not do crack. So why do I have to look like I do? That seems unfair. I guess I'm not the healthiest person around, maybe that has something to do with it. I'm psyhed because IFC is showing a documentary on The Ramones. I could definatly get into that just about now.

Hey ho, gotta go...arg. that was lame.
JILLIAN

ps. this white stripes ablum makes me think of grade eight science class, and The Cider House Rules.

disregard this.

2006-04-12T02:55:37Z

I haven't done my report.
I don't plan to do my report.
I'm failing by disqualification.
For all you know, I'm brilliant.
My hair smells like cigarettes...ewww.
Today was as painfully regular as every other day.
I'm sick of this STUPID routine and the rules can go to hell.
Yes I am being melo-fucking-dramatic what's it to ya'?
I think I'm just cranky because I'm tired.
I'm going to sleep now because, like a hangover, sometimes you can sleep off a terrible mood.

JILLIAN

EDIT: I did have a really good time making dinner with Katherine and Ali. Even if I'm not as domestic as I wish I was. I found out that I'm terrified of bees though... I never really thought that was a lagit. fear. Who knew I was one of those?

So it's no ALL bad.

ps. my reading on Friday night was right on and although I didn't feel better after it I certainly felt focused and balanced again. Hah, as you can see by this silly i-hate-life rant which shouldn't be taken too seriously.

Capote and such

2006-04-08T04:12:34Z

So yes, I am aware that I just posted a couple hours ago. But this livejournal thing is replacing a real journal and I used to write in my real journal this much, if not much more.

I finished the movie, Capote. Then made the mistake of "appearing online" when I came on here to write about it. Bombarded with conversation windows for the past half hour. Now I've lost any real thoughts I had on the movie. I liked it though. It wasn't action-packed or anything. It was 80% dialogue, but there was something about it that made me unable to miss a word or look away. It was fasinating. I would suggest it anyday. I can't stop thiking about it, it's really haunting.

But I have to focus on one murderer at a time, hopefully if I involve myself entirely with the Tate-LaBianca case for these next couple days I can pull off a good paper. I would really like to do this justice. I hate it when I get too ambitious and then realize that I'm all talk and no result. This happens a lot with school work. I have this fantastic idea in my mind but I just don't have the intelligence to get it down on paper. I like thinking, I just don't have the best attencian span so I get distracted and then just as involved with another idea. Abandoning the first one of course. I should work on that. Maybe I have ADD or something. I doubt it; it would be nice to get Ridelin straight from the pharmacy though. Not that I've done that in awhile. I wonder if it would help me focus. I wonder if it really did help me last year on my exams, or if it was just the power of suggestion? It's hard to say.

I think I'm in the mood for a reading, so I'm gonna go see what they're gonna tell me. Hope everyone else has a more exciting Friday night then me.

JILLIAN

well I donno what to do with myself.

2006-04-08T00:28:44Z

Another Friday night hanging out with the rents at home. Gah, I really am a loser. I can't honestly say that going out wouldn't be more fun. In Campbellford anyway. I sure hope it's as transparent to you as it is to me that that statement was fueled by only jealousy towards people who have lives. I really need to make more friends. It's just too hard though. Today I slept in for the morning and went to school for the afternoon. This left me with a nice feeling of sleepy calm. Imagine you woke up one day and cotton was coming out of you're ears and you stuck your finger in your ear and found that there was nothing but cotton in there. Cool thought yeah? Anyway, that's what I felt like. Now I just kind of have a stomach ache because I just drank a lot of coffee really quikly. You see, I'm hoping to fill tonight with mind-numbing movies. I rented "Capote" and "The Usual Suspects" is on IFC later on tonight. I can honestly say that I chose "Capote" based only on the cover. The back didn't even have a description. I know, I'm brainwashed just like everyone else.

I was originally looking for "Helter Skelter". Not because I'm some freaky Manson follower. "Dude man, he was like so anti-establishment, man, let's go listen to some Grateful Dead man." <---- Not me. I mean come on people, he was a murderer. I can't even imagine idolizing someone who did something so terrible. No, no, I didn't want to rent it so I could join "The Family". I have a History book report due on Monday and I chose the book "Helter Skelter". The book is a daunting 600 pages and I'm only at 300 right now. So basically I'm looking for something to save me. My original point was that none of the video stores in the C'ford had a copy so I ended up renting "Capote". Thus closing the thought circle.

Called back Mr.Myers for the job he offered me. Wasn't home, left a message. He's performing tomorrow night in Warkwarth, so I'll just grab a word with him then hopefully. Money, money, money...yes. I really have been dying without my discman. I don't know how I've been doing it. You really don't notice things untill they're going though. I think that's just the rule. It's not even worth repairing so I cut a deal with my mother. The deal is that if I save up half the amount then she'll match it. Ta-da...iPod. I thought of having my entire Window Media Player Library in my hand makes me...oh I don't even think there's a word for the excitment that makes me feel.

As far as the un-marterial part of my life...things aren't great. I just hate how everything's always tainted with me. Nothing seems to ever just be straight-up good, there's always a catch. I really should be used to it by now. This isn't the first time this kinda of thing has happend to me, and I have a feeling it won't be the last. I always tell myself to stop being so cynical and start trusting again, but I think I have a curse on me or something because nothing ever works out. I must have broken a mirror sometime in the last seven years. I just feel stupid for thinking it would work out this time. I don't know any of this for sure, but judging by the way things are happening I'd say it's a solid guess. Maybe I'm thinking too soon though. It doesn't really matter what happens to me though, I honestly just want him to be happy. And I really don't wnat to fuck everything up, 'cause I seem to have a habit of doing that. I'll live, I always do right?

I really do think that the Blue Album is the best high-school album ever made. It's so good it almost makes up for the Green Album and their newest one. Which I don't even want to consider a Weezer album. It just isn't Weezer. I refuse to say it is, it's just to horrible.

JILLIAN